Is Mercury still in the microwave?
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Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour