[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
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me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
*praying for world peace*
God:
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
yeah 😭
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?