Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
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The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Breaking news:
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working