You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
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DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
What the dentist sees
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.