Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
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Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
FINE, I WON’T.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
What my back needs
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Fabio hasn’t aged a day