If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
You Might Also Like
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
#ParentingFacts
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.