A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
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My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Based Erika
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…