I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
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Breaking news:
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said