POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
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MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.