My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
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So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
It be like that sometimes 😆
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh