Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
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Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Holy shit he’s back
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.