My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
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My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit