Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
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This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
starting a garage orchestra
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer