OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
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I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.