Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
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Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I love art.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *