People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
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I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Software Development ⛵️
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
‘I know a black person’
– White people
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials