inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
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How I’d get arrested…
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..