And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
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safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text