It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
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Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Sing it!
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
black phone good
Look at this
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark