Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
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ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
A wise man once said nothing.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Super Hand Dog Face
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.