Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
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I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant