8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
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You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo