been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
You Might Also Like
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”