You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
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Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
this chia pet tastes awful
“what’s it like having a sister?”
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.