I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Hot Hot Hot
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.