I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
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I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
I鈥檝e watched this over 100 times and I still can鈥檛 figure out how he did this
Betrayal only comes from someone we鈥檙e close to. Just like herpes.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i鈥檓 sad or whatever
professor x: you don鈥檛 punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
like idgaf i鈥檒l tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.馃ぃ
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today鈥檚 turkey.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
We look weird together like two p鈥檚 in a ppod
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around