Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
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I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
is this a warning or an offer?
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
titanic
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?