My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
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Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Good Morning.