Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
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My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.