I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
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[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve