Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
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[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Chicken bread
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.