Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
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Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*