Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
You Might Also Like
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
School be like
This is amazing.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.