Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
You Might Also Like
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.