Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
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A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.