Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
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ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
two people or more is called a problem
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
It was worth a shot 😂
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Bit chilly again tonight.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.