You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
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Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you