The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
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I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
the short answer to this question
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes