Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
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I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication