So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
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Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.