When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
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Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.