Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
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It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend