Just so funny
You Might Also Like
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Pat is about to own someone
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish