killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
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Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”