“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
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The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
I saw nothing
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Me, in DM rooms…
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
🙄😏😂🤣
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?