[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
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I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
“I’m helping” 😅
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food