I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
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Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Body by Oreos
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it