Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
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My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?