[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
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No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*