“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
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My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.